The ones following me might have noticed how I made customs less and less, often only in the weekends.. well the cause is several things but can all be traced to one thing. Depression. Now I am not asking you to read this, this is just me wanting to type things out. You red the word depression so if you do not want the details, feel free to just click this journal away. To those who do keep on reading , Thank you in advance.
Now I have been feeling .. Less good for a while now. but often it was only in periods of stress, bad days etc. but lately, Ever since my last internship this stress leaded to a burn out. the biggest event that you '' could'' call the origin would be the Death of my dog in 2005, yes I know. Long time ago '' get over it '' '' stop being a pussy and move on'' I get it okay? I had enough of those remarks thrown at me and even though I can see where they come fro. and how some even try to put it as a ''helpful push'' it hits me like a punch. You see, that dead '' pet'' was much more then a pet. he was my greatest friend of that time, in fact he was a better friend then some of my friends now.
I did have my reasons to see him that way. as some of you may know, The reason my ''internet name or nickname'' is Balthazar because of him. He was called that, And as those friends probably know, I have Autism. in the time we got him I had not much friends. and among those friends I only trusted maybe one or two. long story short he was about all I had.
Ever since his death I had the feeling of a miss. not just missing him but actually missing a good friend. and a month after his death, I got a ... well the best I could make out of it was a cloud over the memory. I could not really remember him, as if my brain denied he ever existed. But I knew he did. I have a jar of hair of him from his last grooming, His leash pictures. He had lived and yet my memory tried to deny it. '' your brain was trying to shield you from the memory, so you could get up and try to move on withouth too much sadness'' my Coach/therapist told me ( a year after I told this feeling) well.. It did not mr. brain. In fact I had a burnout.
I woke up one evening -when mom and dad weren't home- on the rail tracks after I had a black out. I Have tried suicide withouth thinking of it. When I regained my sane mind and noticed where I was I got on my bike and drove away from the tracks, I stopped in a park and just cried, I was scared of myself. the death of that '' pet'' was a heavier feeling then the death of my grandparents.. and almost led me to my end back then...
I tried to fill the void with friends on the internet , friends from all around the world. and in some cases that worked. others just stabbed me in the back. others left by things I had caused, which of some I just do not know what I did but that's not the issue. You see I am not going to try and make myself look better then I am.. Close friends may have experienced this, but I never truly understood how to act around people. the only role models I had when I was little were cartoon characters. So often I just try to act like they do and try to maintain that perfect friendship. but often that just fails and I have no back up plan.. And then I just panic. So to those I hurt. I am sorry. Even though Everything I try to say then seems like guilt tripping, I just try and get the friendship back.
I know I am not a perfect friend. but I try, on any way I know.. but this problem obviously led to me feeling lonely. all by myself even with all the kind people around me.. It's fun how most of my role play friends get me because the character Lotus is just basicly me. but nonetheless..
another problem I am dealing with is bringing up the mood to do anything. I have failed my internship a couple of weeks ago because of my Sleeping problems / insomnia. I was unable to make full days so They gave me a bad grade, I do not blame them for anything nor does it have much influence on my school. it still feels really bad. after that day things went downhill. my anxiety of a lot of things got worse. along with my fear of failure and just my inferiority complex. often I just role play my days away these days, The only time I really made Anything in the past weeks was when somebody was joining me in my art room or at least on skype, because I can not bear to Custom on my own right now..
I am seeing a team of doctors next week about this all which means I may have to go back on medication. because if I can't pull myself together now with the help of them, my future might be devastating. And I do not know if I would be able to live with that.
of course I am nervous to see them but also Very happy and have high hopes.. But lately just about everything I was looking forward to became less fun then I hoped plus the added stress of things breaking, such as my laptop. Cellphone screen etc
so this was just me typing out my story, to those who red all of it Thank you very much, it means a lot to me you took the time to read it. there is more but I could not think of anything right now as it was late in the night and I just needed to vent.